My Journal - Chapter 4

July 6, 1995

Today we had an appointment with Dr. Schor.  It was a hard trip on Ross.  He told us what we already knew he would tell us.  He's done all he can do for the disease.  Now all he can do is to treat the symptoms.  He arranged for us to pick up a wheel chair for use when needed.  I cried about all the way home but of course Ross never knew.  When we got home we prayed together and just gave it all to God.  Whatever he does will be alright with us.  After all, He is God!  I did cry once in front of Ross. I just needed to tell him how much I'd miss him should God call him home.  Dr. Schor offered to get me help (home nursing) but as long as I can take care of him, I want to and that's what he wants too.  

July 7:

Today we saw Dr. Barker (surgeon).  About all he said was the incision looked good.  He wouldn't put him through another office visit because of the long trip being hard on him.  I asked if he by passed or removed the tumor.  Ross was relieved to know he took it out.  Then he said, "Mr. Reger, every day we have you with us we can thank God and when you're not with us any more, you'll be in a better place.  The main thing is to keep you comfortable and if I can help in any way toward that, please call me."  As we left Rose (nurse) kissed him on the cheek, I know it was her way of saying good bye.  I believe the doctors expect him to die in a matter of days or maybe weeks.

We expect Ed (son) and his family tomorrow and then it will be a constant stream of people.  I am grateful for so many friends and family members that will come to visit and say their own good byes but if God does call Ross home, how I wish we could share every moment together.  But that's selfish.  Now would be a good time for complete healing.  God would certainly get all the glory and Ross and I would certainly shout it from the roof tops.

July 10:

Mary Jo (sister)  and Brenda (daughter) were here from Sat. evening till Sun. evening.  It was a good visit.  They cooked and cleaned the car for me and had some good visiting time with Ross.  Mary Jo brought Ross an old picture album that Ruth had from his grand parents days.  He's really enjoyed looking at those old pictures.  Also the cast iron toys that sat on Ruth's stairs for all those years before she died.  He is so pleased with that. 

Now Ed and his family are here.  Ed is working around the place  and Jan is cooking and washing towels for me.  It's good having them here.  I do worry a little that Ross may get the virus or what ever it is that one of the kids has.  I know I worry too much.  I had to call the doctor this morning.  He had burning pain in his stomach last night and this morning. I noticed that his tongue is full of sores.  I wonder if they are in his stomach too.  He feels them in his throat.  "God please, don't let it be shingles again."  He worried so much for 2 days that the kids were in a accident and I know that worry can bring them on.  How I hope I'm wrong on this one. 

 I think I've convinced him to let Dr. Schor call Hospice for only one visit a week and so his pain medications won't cost us anything.  They will also supply us with a hospital bed. I hate having them as much as he does, but if God doesn't heal him, I know what to expect.  I watched mom die and it will only get worse.  It doesn't have to be that  way.  Even in all his pain and weakness he praises the Lord.  Sometime in his sleep his hands go up in praise and he wakes himself up singing praises.  Surely God honor's that.  We have to believe.

July 11:

I took Ross to the Dr. today.  Ed went with us.  I sort of wish I hadn't asked him to go. I knew he'd want to talk to the doctor. The trip with him was okay until he decided Ross shouldn't make the trip any more.  I should let Hospice take care of everything.  I probably will do that, as I told him.  I take it one day at a time and will use good judgment.  Why can't they understand that I would not do anything to hurt my husband.  He's the most precious thing in this world to me but I have to make the decisions concerning my husband and my household.  If he only would think about the worry he caused his dad by saying he would be here one day and not arriving until 2 days later, not even a phone call and that worry probably brought on his shingles, he might not be so quick to judge how I'm taking care of him.  His already run down system couldn't take all that stress and the shingles came back.  I am trying so hard not to be selfish but I just about know that all the boys will try and blame where we live for all their dad's problems.  I hate that.  Ross loves living here and he's completely satisfied with the care he's received in our hospital and he dearly loves his doctors and nurses.  It's the peace of mind he receives here that are so important.  I finally did get the number for Hospice and will call them in a day or two.

July 12:

The realization of losing Ross has never been stronger than it is tonight.  All his symptom are back.  He can't eat solid food and  beginning today, not even the processed food. Tomorrow I'll try broth.  Those sores on his tongue are just awful.  Makes it hard to even take pills.  I've really cried this evening.  I'm glad everyone is gone and Ross and I can just be with each other.  His time is so close.  I remember when I first realized that Mom was starving, literally to death.  Now I see that in Ross.  It's so hard to watch.  I'm so thankful that he hasn't had really excruciating pain.  God just seems so far away tonight.  Oh, I know he's right here but I need to feel his presence and I want  Ross to feel him too.  I wonder if he does.  Today for the first time, I thought, 'I'm probably going to be a widow'  Have I given up?  "Oh God don't let me give up."  I want to believe that Ross will be healed and we'll be together for years to come but it's so sad to see him like this and tomorrow the Hospice nurses are coming.  He hates that whole idea but it's the only way we can get his medication paid for and a hospital bed to make it easier to take care of him.  He feels like he is admitting defeat by calling in Hospice.

I'm determined that they are not going to do my job.  I will take care of my husband and I don't want their counseling service either.  I'm going to depend on God to get me through this.  I'm writing this by just the light of the TV which is so low I can't hear it.  700 club is on.  Ross is finally asleep after 2 Tylenol threes and a sleeping pill.  I love him so much my heart  is breaking into as I watch him slowly die.

July 13:

The Hospice nurses came today.  They are really nice.  After they left and a bunch of visitors came and went.   Ross and I talked again about his dying.  He doesn't want to believe it.  He told me that  I was probably being more realistic than he was and assured me that he's not afraid.  he says his only regret was not having provided better for my future.  I couldn't help it, I cried so hard as we talked.  I tried to reassure him that I can take care of myself.  I am a lot more concerned about that than I'd ever let him know.  He believes his kids will take care of me once he is gone.  I let him think I agreed but I really would be surprised if they help me very much.  He had a concern too about me continuing to work for the Lord.  I could honestly assure him of that.  I said, "Do you know where I am right now?"  He said, "where?"  I told him, "Right in the palm of God's hand and nothing will ever pluck me out."  He smiled and said he knew that.

Last night he got up every 45 minutes or so to potty.  Each time I would put my hands on his sides and sort of guide him and as I'd do that to get him back in bed he'd "dance" with me those few steps.  I started humming each time we danced.  It will be a wonderful memory to carry with me.

Mrs. Crockett (neighbor) brought him a quilt today.  There were 5 or 6 visitors.  Including Julie Boyd who has been running errands for me.  Visitors really wear him out but I think it's necessary.  I sit in this darkened room until I get depressed.  When someone comes, we turn on the light.  Sleep has become the very most important thing to him.  How I love him.  How my heart aches.

July 15:

Last night I didn't sleep much again.  Probably an hour when I get Ross to sleep and know that's the time I should sleep, I end up just watching him or praying or staring into space.  But we did make a beautiful memory for me to hold onto.  I was kneeling by his bed as I so often do when he reached out and took my hand and began to pray for me.  How thankful he is that I'm his wife  and what a good wife I am.  He asked God to give me strength and supply all my needs.  A beautiful prayer I will always remember.

He talks sometimes it seems like hours.  A lot about the past.  His memory is so sharp.  At times I understand every word  and enjoy just kneeling by his bed and listening to his voice.  Other times it's an awful experience.  I kneel there quietly praying and crying .  His voice is not understandable and I pretend to know what he is saying. 

"God, I beg of you, if his time is near please don't let him suffer.  I can clean his potty chair 15 times a day and bathe him.  I can hold his head while he throws up and anything he needs for care, but to watch him in pain, I can't stand.  Lord when you gave me a heart full of love for this man, you really gave me the most precious thing in this world and now it seems like you are taking him away from me and from all the people that love him.  I try very hard to remember that you may still heal him and if you choose to call him home it's what he's striven for over 30 years.  I'm so thankful to you for having allowed me to have a good praying husband for 10 years.  It seems such a short time now but when I think of how hurtful my life was before, ten beautiful, happy years is a wonderful gift.  Thank you."

The War P. H. church had the benefit gospel sing for us last night.  I'm anxious to hear how it went.  I watched a movie today.  "Free Willie".  A whale caught at sea and put into captivity, expected to perform and make people happy while he was taken away from his family.  I cried at the end when, with the help of a little boy the whale jumped to freedom.  It made me look at Ross and realize some things.  In a way he is like that whale.  He is in captivity.  His body holds him captive while he longs to see his family, "God".  He doesn't want to leave me and his other family members like the whale didn't want to leave the little boy, but in captivity there's pain and sorrow and frustration.  There's helplessness and there's longing for that good and perfect place where all is peace and joy and love.  One day soon, just as Free Willy made that huge leap to freedom, my beloved Ross will also make that big leap to freedom.  Free of pain, free of worry, free of cancer.  Free to walk those streets of gold.  Free to sit at the feet of Jesus and thank him through out eternity for the work he did on Calvary.  Isn't that what all Christians work for and look forward to?  Maybe Ross will get there before some of us, I can't resent that. I love him so much how could I ever wish him this life compared to Heaven?  He has told me several times lately that when he dies he wants to die in his sleep.  "Oh God, please grant him that.  Let him just go to sleep here with me and wake up in Heaven when you're ready to call him home."

July 16:

Ross had a bad night last night.  So much pain.  Finally this morning he tells me it's gas.  So tonight I'll know how to treat it.  I've noticed his feet are a purplish color.  He's eating almost nothing.  yesterday about a quarter cup of milk shake was all he had.  Sometime in the wee hours his pain stopped so I laid down on my bed for a few minutes.  Soon his bell started ringing.  He told me he heard thunder and didn't want me to be afraid.  It did soon get bad enough that I came back to the living room, that's when he insisted that I come lay with him, "So I wouldn't be afraid"  I did and he patted me and hugged a little and kept me safe.  I think I slept better those couple hours than I have in weeks and he was so proud of himself to be able to do something for me.  A memory to keep forever.

I wish I'd had a tape player going.  I was sitting on the couch drinking coffee and listening to the news when I heard Ross say something.  I went to his bedside.  He wasn't talking to me but he was preaching the most wonderful sermon.  All about how good it will be when we can see our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ face to face.  I wish I could remember all the words but I can't, I only know I haven't heard any better sermon from any pulpit.  He ended by saying "when He says Hey Reger" and with each "Hey Reger" he got a little louder, probably 4 or 5 times, Then he opened his eyes and looked at me and  said "won't that be something when he says Hey Reger come on up here?"  I said "it sure will honey". ( He always has told me he had a calling to preach  but never fulfilled that calling).

I wonder how close that time really is.  I don't understand his sisters, except for Mary Jo they haven't visited.  I know they know it's close.  Maybe they just can't handle it so soon after Ruth's death.  I do hope Sonny and Cookie comes soon.  I believe it would thrill Ross so much to have Sonny minister to him.  I did tell Cookie that the other day.  They'll probably be here soon.

I'm seeing some of the signs of near death.  He thinks he's doing things that he isn't doing and sort of acts them out.  For instance, he thought he spilled water on his bed and was wiping at it.  Another time he was straightening out a dent in his bed side commode and pulling at the sheet thinking it was a box of kleen-ex.  The book from Hospice says that happens one to two weeks before death.  I don't think he will linger as long as mom did.  Surely God will take him before he begins to suffer a lot.  He has bouts of terrible gas pains and has begun vomiting.  How my heart breaks watching him like this.  He's so much a part of me.

July 17:

Last night after a bout with gas pain, Ross went to sleep at 12:30 and slept until 6:30 this morning.  The first time he's slept more than 2 hours at a time in a very long time.  this morning he drank a half cup of broth and had 2 spoons of ice cream.  I got him washed up and he has slept most of the day.  I'm so glad he's sleeping a lot.  At least he is peaceful.

I talked to Jim Nickels on the phone today.  He said he'd be honored to preach his funeral, should God call him home.  I hope Sonny and Roger will understand.  Both of them are so close to Ross and I but I want them to be part of the family and not put them through the pain of preaching his funeral.  I know Ross loves them both but I believe Bro. Jim is his favorite preacher and he would be pleased if he could know I've asked Jim to do it. This is the strangest thing...  After I talked to Bro. Jim, Ross started feeling and looking better than I've seen him in awhile.  He's talking with a strong, clear voice and walking very well.  His mind is very sharp.  Could I dare hope that God is healing him?

July 18:

Sonny and Cookie were here last night and today.  A really great visit.  I've never seen such tender looks of love in two men like I saw in Sonny and Ross.  Those two really love each other.

People won't let us rest...  so many people love him.  Preacher Arie Bandy and Jackie were here.  They only stayed long enough to have prayer with us.  Ed and Jan came back today and Mark will be here soon.  There seems to be no end to a house full of people.  I never was good around lots of people and I especially am not good around people that keep trying to tell me how I could better care for my husband.  I can and will make the decisions about him.  It's the last things I'll ever be able to do for him and no body is going to take that away from me.  I'm really not ungrateful, I do appreciate all the work they are doing but the care of my husband is my job.

I'm beginning to take pain pills now for my back.  Ross is getting harder and harder to get up. Tonight I got him up 3 or 4 times and he did hardly anything except to stain his diaper and I changed it but the last time he really filled his diaper and I got some warm soapy water and changed and cleaned him on the bed.  I've prayed so hard that he wouldn't get to the place where I can't physically handle him.  I know I'll soon have to limit visitors and even cut visits out except for the pastor and close family members.  I keep remembering mom and  how hard visitors were on her as well as on me.  I don't want that for Ross.  How I pray that if God is going to take him he will be merciful and go ahead and take him while he sleeps before he loses all his dignity.  I want him, if he must die to die quickly and peacefully.

July 20:

I just looked back in this book to see how long mom lived when she quit eating more than a few bites a day.  It was 2 weeks.  If they are similar in that Ross may live until the first part of Aug.  That's a guess and I probably have no right to even guess.  I just don't want him to suffer.  He's rested good today but I can't sleep.  It seems like at night is when he has problems  with pain  and with his bowels.

6:15 pm:

How proud and thrilled I am.  Linda (my step daughter by another marriage) just called, she got the Holy Ghost! Thank God! and she prayed for me on the phone, a first and I'll never forget it.  Evelyn Porter was here earlier, brought me a check for $100. from Sis. Martha Boyd's church and $50. from Mary Osborne.  It brings the total from the benefit they had for us to $1,739.55  How about God's people!!!

July 21 Friday 10 am.

How I wish I had my house back.  I want so much to be unselfish but I long for some privacy with my husband and the Lord.    When this is all over I intend to lose myself for a while.  Maybe I'll go to that little motel where Ross and I spent our first night together and stay a couple of days.  I just took my blood pressure, it's 147 over 100.  Too high.  I have to get myself calmed down.

I know that all his sisters want to be here when he dies.  I just hate the thoughts of so many people just staring at him, waiting for him to die.  I know he will hate it too.  Just like Ruth did.  He has begun sleeping all day then he is up every 45 minutes through the night.  I have it figured out, why can't they see it?  He doesn't want people looking at him all day.  I believe the reason he is up so much at night is that it's our time together.  He sits on the potty and usually doesn't use it.  Somewhere inside him he wants us to have that time together.

3 pm.  

I can hardly bare to watch him like this but I also can't not watch.  This thing is going fast.  Just the last day or so when I get him off the potty I have to lift his whole weight.  He took his Tylenol and Zantac this morning and threw up.  So I'm cutting out the Tylenol unless he would have a fever, for pain Ill give him the liquid medication.

I find myself wondering if we will get his check this next time.  I'd rather do without them as to see him suffer but I really need to pay off every bill I can.  I started this morning paying off several bills with the benefit money.  I will cancel the newspaper and TV guide and be as conservative as possible with the utilities.  My main worry is trying  to keep a car with insurance and taxes.   I hate the thoughts of going back to work 6 days a week.  It's so hard these past couple days have done a number on my back. 

July 22:

I pray that I won't know when he's dying so I won't have to call everyone.  I keep remembering mom and Ruth and how they hated having every one around them near the end.  "Please God, don't let it be that way for Ross.  When it's time let him slip away peacefully in his sleep without enough warning for me to call everyone.  This is hard enough when I have the whole house to cry and pray in, Please let them understand."

6 pm.

This is going so fast.  I couldn't get him to his potty a few minutes ago.  To his feet, yes but his feet wouldn't move to get him turned around so I'll have to just change him in bed now and even that is hard because it now hurts him when I move him.  I've turned away visitors today.  No women and I think just preachers (men) now.  I don't know what I'll do if his sisters decide to come.  He can't stand anything on his skin.  Even his diaper is just laid across him and one under him.  I don't want him to be exposed that way.  I've begged God today to take him home before I have to allow him to be put on display.  I guess I'll have to call Hospice and ask for help.  I hate doing that so bad.  I'd rather say good by with a little dignity left for him.

I've cried so much today.  After the kids finally left I needed so much to be alone with him.  I find myself thinking 'Soon I'll live here alone'.  The word widow takes on a whole new look for me now.  I want to go to Sutton Lanes Motel for at least 2 days and just be alone.  Maybe I can get the same room we had before.  I want to go to Twin Falls too and just remember the times we were there together.

July 23  Sunday:

I heard Ross say "My soul is being frozen  a voice told me that", then some praising the Lord.   I didn't want to forget so I hurried and wrote that down.  Since about 6 this morning I've had such a hard time.  Trying to change his diaper and I couldn't move him.  After much crying and praying I got the dirty one off and a clean one under him.  Then he threw up and I couldn't get him up or even move his head.  I managed to get a towel under part of his head and caught most of the vomit in a container.

I went into the kitchen and cried out to God to please take him home now before any one else could see him like this.  I heard him calling me really loud  "It's being frozen"  I said you need a blanket and he said "no"  then  "The voice told me" he started praising the Lord again.  I took the opportunity to ask him if he thought the Lord was coming to take him home and he wasn't sure. I assured him I'd be okay if he did and said "honey won't it be beautiful?"  He started singing "How beautiful Heaven must be"  We sung together for a few minutes then more vomiting.  I called Hospice and they said it would take a couple hours to get here.  When the nurse got there it was a male.  He didn't have much caring in his voice.  I called Roger, my pastor and he came right away.   The nurse examined him and said to me "I see no signs of death in your husband"  then he ordered some morphine and left.  I could only smile at him and say thank you but I knew he was dying even then.

12 Mid night:

Ross went home at 3:00 today. Sun. July 23, 1995.  The nurse had said no signs of death but I knew better.  He had seen Ruth and my sister Ann.  Mom and his own mom and dad.  He saw Jesus, he rejoiced so much when he saw Jesus.  He even saw my brother Claude.  Clause isn't dead so I can only believe it was my dad.  Claude looks exactly like our dad.  He called out Roger's name (my brother) in panic.  At one point I asked him if he now thought God was calling him home and if he wanted to go and he said yes so we prayed together that God would fill up the room with angels and the Holy Ghost would be surrounding us and that he would take him quickly and easily.  He did have some bad pain but only for a few hours.  Maybe 3 of bad pain.  I sang to him and played the song for him of me singing a song that will be played at his funeral.  He knew every thing that was going on until just a few minutes, maybe 15.  His pain stopped.  He rubbed his stomach and said  "Something happening in there." He smiled and just kept on saying  "something happening in there." I believe that in the last 15 minutes of life on this earth, he received that total healing that we prayed for.  He went to sleep and went home very peaceful and easy.

  Written By Carrie Kinyon