Precious Moments For Memories
 

My Journal - Chapter 2


 

Dec. 7:   10am

I called Dr. Schor's office to ask him to change the orders on those suppositories.  I can't let them do that to her again.  A while ago I sang for her.  Three or four songs then we talked about going to Heaven,  like the songs say.  I think she was crying a little but of course there was no tears.  I talked about her beautiful mansion and how she'd never be sick again.  I asked her if she was afraid and she didn't even nod so I told her how after she had loved Jesus for so many years that I knew He would come for her and she'd never have to be alone.

Now her mouth stays open all the time and her eyes too.  They've been closed for so long.  It's just another little sign that says it's close.

I've told her ever since this started that I'd not let her be alone that I'd always be with her.  I guess that's why I'm so glued to this room.  She's such a precious, frail little lady.

I call these writings "Precious Moments for Memories"  but I seem to be writing agonizing moments as well.  I'm sure that when I come back to read after a long while I will only remember the precious moments and draw comfort from them.

2:30 pm

I've been a little upset today.  I told Hospice that I didn't want any more suppositories for mom and they said they have to use them after 3 days of no BM's.  I called Dr. Schor and asked if he'd change the order, he did.  Now they can wait 5 days, and then the nurse should call him from here and if I feel she doesn't need it, he'll okay not using them.  The nurse told me in no uncertain terms that I shouldn't of called the doctor except through them.  They count all the pills here every time they come.  Even the ones that they didn't supply.  I told her about that and also that they won't be destroying medications that they didn't pay for. After all if I hadn't told them about the pills, they wouldn't even know they were here yet she tells me she has to destroy them.  Medications that has been here for months!   I won't let them cut me off from mom's doctor, I'm tired of being made to feel like a drug addict or a pusher.  Oh, my blood pressure is up again.  

Well, my blood pressure is down now to 130 over 90, I have to remember to get a check up when everything is over and I have the time.  Ross and I want to spend a week somewhere, just the two of us.  I think I'll sleep the first couple days, Maybe at Twin Falls where we can get out and walk every day.

Dec. 8  9:30 am

I slept better last night because Ross slept with me in mom's water bed.  I gave her something to help her sleep but as a result she wet the bed again.  Ross has an appointment with Dr. Schor so I'll be here alone again most of the day.  I knew it would be hard to get mom up but I couldn't let her lay in a wet bed.  I got a big towel under her and bathed her, put pillows on her potty chair so she could sit while I dressed her.  Then I changed her bed, worked very fast so she wouldn't have to sit there long.  I got her settled back in bed and used a Tylenol suppository on her. I know the ordeal made her little body ache.

After she was comfortable, I got out my home remedies book and looked up blood pressure.  It really put a scare in me.  Reading it made me realize that I've probably had high blood pressure for many years and not being one to visit doctors, I never realized I had it.  I called Eugene, a counselor with Hospice and asked him to help me with getting a medical card so I could get a check up.  He is so nice.  I'm sure he'll help if he can.  I'm hoping I can maybe get some SSI or disabled S.S.  I had never given that a thought until he mentioned it the other day.

I've made up my mind.  I am going to lose weight.  I'm going to start eating healthier.  I am going to get back on an exercise program.  I have to get myself in shape if I intend to take good care of mom and Ross, and I do.

Ross took care of all the Christmas decorating this year.  Thank God, he's been in remission.  I told him we could skip it but he wouldn't hear of it.  He got a tree that we can plant after Christmas and it's decorated so beautifully.  I asked mom if she'd try to let us wheel her in to see it but she didn't feel up to it.  That makes me sad.  I really wanted her to see it.

I'm going to quit being a fanatic about the house and conserve my energy to take care of mom.

Dec. 9:  7:30 pm

Eugene came today and we talked about my high blood pressure and maybe some ways of getting it under control.  I agreed to get out of mom's room more and even out of the house a few minutes each day.  I did that.  Drove to Welch and listened to some new tapes I hadn't had a chance to hear.  I felt good.  I was only gone a half hour and was home 10 minutes when my sister called.  She asked me if I was giving mom everything she wanted.  I told her that was a stupid question.  She then explained that our other sister had called her,  that's all she needed to say.  My blood pressure shot up and if Wanda hadn't called me I would of called that sister and really sent my blood pressure soaring.  I'm so sick of them accusing me of not giving mom the best care possible.  When this is all over, if I still feel the same, I don't care if I ever see most of my family again.  I've put up with their insults all these years because of mom.  Now I don't have to anymore.  Why would I put myself through that after mom's gone?  I don't think so!

Evelyn ( a dear friend of moms) came to visit a few minutes before church tonight.  She brought our dinner.  I'm feeling so close to her.  I like her better than my own sisters.  She and Wanda and Rita have really been my strength.  Preacher and Janice too have been wonderful.  And Bret, for such a young man and a young christian, he's been right there for us.  So helpful.

Dec. 9:  2 pm

Already the 9th.  16 days until Christmas.  I wonder if mom will make it that long.  One time I find myself wanting to hold onto her for a long, long time, then I'm praying "God please take her home."  Today has been a precious day.  By accident I learned how to treat her eyes.  I didn't know she kept them closed because they burned.  I should of known when I realized she couldn't cry tears.  When I mentioned that to the nurse this morning she said to use eye drops.  When I did that I noticed her eyelids were granulated so I cleaned them with baby oil.  Then I noticed her looking around.  I asked her if her eyes had been burning and she nodded "yes".  I told her when any part of her body hurts, if she couldn't tell me, she should keep pointing to that area until I get the message.  She's really drunk water today.  Probably 8 oz. already.  I finally figured out that she's just real hot so I turned the fan on.   I teased a little about it taking me so long to catch on and told her what I really needed was a hug and a smile, especially since she was looking at me for a change.  I got both.  Then she even smiled for Ross.

I decided to sing for her, she really enjoys that.  I'm going to sing some more in a little while.  I had Ross bring me a prayer cloth from church last night.  I pinned it on my night shirt and today my blood pressure is 124 over 78!  Praise The Lord!

10:30 pm

Mom looks better than I've seen her in a long time.  She even had a BM. before the time when she'd have to have the suppository.  I told Ross I'd never been so happy about cleaning do-do.  I really hated putting her through that ordeal again.  She's drunk lots of water today, even used a straw for a good bit of it.  I told her she reminded me of an old dried up sponge when it was full of water.   Perked right up.  Of course I've had her on the potty 8 or 10 times today so I'm tired but that's okay as long as she'd doing better.  It's been a good day.

Dec. 10:  12:30 pm.

Can I believe this?  After such a beautiful but tiring day yesterday.  Last night mom had another BM in bed.  I got that cleaned up with much pain in my back and I'm sure to her too.  Then once through the night while getting her on the potty, her knee's buckled and I really had a struggle handling her. Had to pick her up in my arms as if she were a baby.   I hardly slept at all.  This morning while bathing her I knew I'd have to let them cauterize her.  I've cried more over that than when I had to put her in he hospital bed.  I just don't have the physical strength to handle her any more.  I know I have to stop feeling guilty like  I'm letting her down so these blasted tears will stop.  I'm considering letting them do continuous care and I really hate the thoughts of that.  It seems like such an invasion of privacy.  I just pray that mom understands that I've done my very best  and doing more injury to my back won't help her.  The possibility of dropping her really frightens me.

I've prayed today that God would take her home, even before the nurse gets here to cauterize her.  This last month seems like 6 months to me.  It's a labor of love and I'll always be thankful to God for the privilege of caring for mom as much as I have.   I only wish it could be "all the way".  That part breaks my heart, to have to admit that I can't do it any more.  I feel like I'm letting her down in the last days, maybe even hours of her life.

6:45 pm

I had prayed so hard that God would show me that I made the right decision about the cauterization.  The nurse had no sooner finished putting it in until it begin to work, a lot.  She explained to me that it's good we did it now.  It needed to be done because she hadn't been able to empty her bladder on her own and it probably would of caused problems.  I'm still not happy about it but I don't feel guilty.  I even helped the nurse.  so I could see that it wasn't painful.  She was getting bruised from me lifting her and my  back had taken about all it could.  I felt safer to leave her awhile after I knew no one would have to lift  her out of bed.  I went to Welch and was gone for an hour and a half, it did wonders for me.  Now my only real dread is her BM's.  But I'll face that when it happens.

I sang for her an extra lot today.  I told the nurse that when the time comes if it isn't a rupture or something that makes it unpredictable I'll let them come in for continuous care.  I realize now that it's for the best.  But I have fought against every new step we've had to take.  I just want so much to "do it all myself."  I'm not able to and after I admitted that,  I felt better.

Dec. 11:  10 am.

I guess last night was the best nights sleep mom and I both have had in ages.  Knowing she wouldn't be laying in urine, I could give her a sleeping pill and we both slept good all night.  Ross and I were up early.  We read the bible, he went to a prayer breakfast and I got mom's catheter cleaned and emptied.  Cleaned her up a little.  I've decided to leave most of her bathing to the nurses when they come.  I cleaned the room good and have stood by her bed feeding her water with a little sponge until I just had to take a break and sit a while.  But she needs that a lot.  Evidently her insides are very hot.  Her hands are beginning to get fluid under the skin, also her legs.

4 pm.

Just knocked myself in the head with the kitchen stool seat.  I've been trying to decorate the bed room a little.  The trunk is pretty with the ceramic Christmas tree and little gifts.  I have her cards pinned to ribbons hanging from a big bow on the top of the side of the ward robe and red ribbon draped across the top of the window with a big bow in the middle.  I'm going to finish the trunk by bringing in some little snow covered houses  and some real gifts for under the tree.

She just had a BM.  this time it wasn't too hard to clean her up.  The nurse (Karen) came to check out why her mouth was hurting.  She had sucked on these little sponges so much the roof of her mouth was swollen.  Now I'm giving her water with a syringe, like you give shots with only the needle is removed.  It's like feeding a little sick bird.  This is truly the most heart breaking experience of my life.  Those Hospice nurses must be a special breed.  To know 100 % of their patients will die must be hard.  I have a real respect for them.  I do hope one day I can be a volunteer for them, maybe even raise some money for them.

10:45 pm.

Mom has been more alert today than usual.  It's one of those days she's hugged me a lot and didn't seem to want me to leave her side.  Probably around 6:30, she got very bad pain in her stomach.  I called our pastor, Roger Roberts.  He came right away and Hospice got some morphine for her.  By 9 o'clock she was resting well.  She wanted so much to talk to me tonight and in her silent little way, she did.  She told me she loved me and appreciated me without saying a word.  I went into the bed room across the hall and sang "God On The Mountain"  I could see her from there.  I saw her hand going up in praise to God.   Then she reached out to hug Bro. Roger.  A precious moment I'm sure he will treasure.  I feel like the end is so close.

Dec. 12:  1:10 pm.

I've been sitting on a stool next to her bed.  I've already sang to her and given her morphine.  I called a nurse to come.  Her feet are black or blue on the bottom and around her toe nails, she is so cold.  There's been a cold sweat on her forehead.  Her stomach is hot to the touch.  Her knee's are blue, her hands swollen.  Her breathing is out of rhythm.  It's hard to tell when she's awake but I believe she is awake most of the time with periods of drifting off to sleep or unconsciousness, I'm not sure.

Am I sitting here watching her die?  Maybe, I think probably.  She reaches her hand out to me every now and then.  I take it and say "I'm here mom."  I believe the inside part of her arms are turning blue, her neck too.  Her hands are so cold.

I've felt like a doctor, nurse, hospital janitor, daughter, chaplain, so many things I've done for her but if there was a chance she could get better I wouldn't mind continuing.  But I think I'm watching her die.  "God please, let it come quickly and easily.

1:30

She just reached up and hugged me.

5 pm.

I've been out of the room for a few minutes talking to Richard (my nephew) on the phone.  When I came back in she looked up at me so bright eyed.  I said "I love you".  In words very clear she said "I love you too."  What a precious moment.  I've been playing my tapes for a half hour or so.  She indicates that she hears it.  I will probably play my songs softly until she dies.  She lifted her hand and looked at me.  I said, "do you want a hug?"  I think I saw a little nod.  Ross helped her get her arms around me and she gave me a good hug.  How I will cherish that precious moment. 

7 pm.

The last song just played.  I decided to play "Build My Home"  then "I want us to be Together in Heaven.  The last one started, both hands went up.  I know she was praising the Lord.  Another precious moment.

7:40 pm.

I decided to read the bible to mom.  I started with Psalm 121 and read several of the Psalms, then went to psalm 23.  I got through about half and broke down.  I laid my head down on her arm and cried.  She tried to comfort me.  I could feel her hand trying to move, she wanted to pat me on the back I'm sure.    I finally finished it and read several more.  when I started reading about the King of Glory, her hand went up again and I said, "mom we know the King of Glory, don't we?"  She nodded a yes to me.   Precious, precious moment.

8:30 pm.

I decided to get my guitar and sing for mom.  Ross got his too.  Such a glorious time we had.  Beginning with "Surely the Presence of the Lord is in This Place."  She raised her hands several times.  Then on to "Covered by the Blood", Consider the Lilies"  and "Here I Am".  Each time she praised the Lord, we sang maybe 20 minutes.  She loved it.

  Dec. 13:  3:25 am.

At 3:10 Mom went to Heaven.  I was holding her hand, she was looking into my eyes.  Ross and I just kept saying to her, you're okay.  Jesus is right here to take you.  You don't have to be afraid.  It was so easy.   When I noticed her chin begin to move a little, her chest stopped raising and I knew immediately what was happening.  I kissed her and said "I love you, Mama"  I could tell she was trying to say "I love you too" So I said  I know you love me too.  It was only two or three minutes.  God was so merciful.  She had pain only one day and then the medication took care of that.  The nurse said I shouldn't give her water, she couldn't swallow but I knew that look in her eyes.  She was pleading with me for water.  I went into the kitchen and really cried and asked God to please take her.  I couldn't stand not giving her a drink.  The nurse went out for a breath of air and I gave her 2 sips of water and I put murine in her eyes, they were so dry and burning.  This was only about 10 minutes before she died.  I've done my crying this last month.  Now I feel relief for her.  She's with Jesus now.

Dec. 21:  11 am.

So much has happened since last I sat down to write.  It was about 5 am before the funeral home people came to take mom away.  Suddenly I was so hungry I could hardly wait to get to Hardys at Tazewell to eat breakfast.  I had called all the kids before we left and when we got home there was just enough time to get showered and dressed before we had to leave again.  This time to Welch to the funeral home.  The arrangements were pretty easy.  She had already chosen her casket and I knew what I wanted her to wear.  The pink dress we had both worn on occasion and teased about it being her funeral dress.  She looked beautiful.  I arranged the services for both the viewing on Tue. night and the funeral on Wed. morning.  The gospel sing was really good.  I wasn't sure I'd be able to sing, but I did.  I wanted to sing some of her favorite songs,  I managed 3 at the gospel sing during the viewing.  "My Savior's Precious Blood",  "Shepard of my Valley",  and "Sealed Till the day of Redemption".  At the funeral I sang her two favorite songs and she had asked me to sing them at her funeral.  They were  "I want us to be together in heaven" and "Build My Home." She wanted me to sing and I was determined to do every thing she wanted.   I did have a tape there in case I found I couldn't do it.  

There is a part of this journal that is best left alone.  As in a lot of families, there was some friction among some of the family members but as I read it now, I think I will just destroy that part of it. I don't even want to remember the hurting things that was said out of grief and not understanding a lot of things.  The thing I want to remember is that I said my final good by to my mom at 3:10 am Monday morning with Ross by my side, mom looking into my eyes as she went home to be with the Lord.  Her last words on this earth were to me.....  "I love you too".

June 13, 1994:

It's been 6 months today since mom died and it hurts as if it were yesterday.  I finally took the get well cards down from her ward robe today.  I didn't want to.  I don't want to let go of her.  I never knew you could miss any one as much as this.  I had intended to wait a year before reading "precious Moments for Memories"  but I'm not feeling very well and stayed home from church so I think I'll read it now.  I know it will be hard but I feel I have to.  I can't seem to let go and get on with my life.  Maybe reading it will somehow help me with that.

Dec. 12, 1994

I can't believe the hurt that I feel tonight.  I'm in mom's room, now my music room.  I've changed it so much I guess I hoped it would make it easier but it hasn't.  I've been sitting here while Ross is in the living room watching football, I can re-live every moment of that night one year ago, It's as if it were happening all over again.  I remember every little detail and the tears won't stop.  I had meant to read "Precious Moments" tonight but I don't have to.  I could probably recite it.  It's that clear in my mind tonight.  I've worked so hard today but I guess you can't get too tired to think.  I miss her so much.  It's like a part of me is gone.  I'm so sad tonight.  I keep seeing, in my minds eye, my giving her a drink of water in that little dropper.  It reminded me of feeding a little bird.  It's strange, tonight I'm remembering Ann too and 'Sally, my friend that died.  My last hours with them .  Even Tramp, my dog and how I held her in my arms until she breathed her last breath.  I lost so much in that one year.  But God gave me the strength to get through each one and wisdom to do my very best for each of them so there would be no regrets.  I have no regrets but I just miss them so much.

Mom, I love you so much and it's been a lonely and hard year with out you.

As I finish the last of my journal about my mom, my eyes are so full of tears that I can hardly see.  A mother is such a precious thing to have.  If  I can cause just one person to treat their mother a little kinder then I've done what I believe God wanted me to do.

My mom died Dec. 13, 1993 at 3:10 am.   I miss her still.  I will always miss her, I look forward to seeing her again one day, in Heaven.

Written By:  Carrie Kinyon Jan. 2002

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