Coping With Chemo

My coping - Chapter 1

Aug. 13, 1991:

I met Ross at Tazewell Community Hospital.  He had been at Ruth's in Clarksburg trying to help her with some odd jobs.  Ruth is his sister (now deceased).  A lump formed in his right side. In minutes it was swollen to the size of a football, was very red and hot.  He had called me the night before and I told him to admit himself to a hospital there and I would try to get someone to bring me up there.  He refused. Instead, he chose to come home to make sure I could be with him.  I felt bad that I wasn't with him.  We had decided that I should stay home and work to help pay for a trip we had planned for mom and us to my brother Pete's in Charlestown, where meeting us there was another brother, Gene from MA. and his family.  My sister Mary from Hanover, PA.  Coming from NC. was my brother Roger and some other cousins and nieces and nephews.  I ended up missing so much work, I should of gone with him.  But God supplied our needs.

Aug. 14:

They did surgery.  I wasn't too concerned.  A ten minute procedure.  A two inch incision to drain the puss.  Just an abscess, nothing to be concerned about.  I waited in his room.  An hour and a half later, Dr. Plagota came looking for me.....  'Had I ever heard of Hodgkins disease?'    'yes, but didn't really know what it was.'  They had removed an infected lymph node gland.  Maybe just that.  Could be cancer.  Don't worry, but just in case, wait for results of biopsy.

While I waited for Ross to come out of recovery, I prayed and cried some.  Then I decided to find some comfort in God's word.  His bible was there on the night stand.  I picked it up as I prayed.  "God I need you to speak to me through your word."  As usual, for comfort and up lifting I turned to the Psalms.  A passage in Psalm 144:4 was circled in his bible.  I could see nothing else.  Such a feeling, I can't really explain. Near panic controlled only by determination and holding onto God.  The passage read....... ' Man is like to vanity:  His days are as a shadow that passeth away.'  By the time he got back to the room, I was able to push the incident to the back of my mind.

Aug. 16:

I took him home.  Still waiting for results of the biopsy.  We had convinced ourselves it was nothing more than an infected gland.  I was afraid of hurting him that night so I tried to stay as far on my side of the bed as I could.  But I was so glad to have him home.  We prayed before we fell asleep.  We thanked God for taking care of him.  He slept like a baby.  My night was restless.  In the morning I woke up with a dream so vivid in my mind. Again, I pushed this to the back of my mind.

Aug. 21:

Ross went for a follow up appointment.  The stitches came out and he should get the results of the biopsy.  He'd be back in time to pick me up at work at 2:30.  I worked for Patty that day, cleaning her house.  It was much too early for him to pick me up so I knew something was wrong when I looked up from washing dishes and there he stood at the door.  He told me he hadn't wanted to see or speak to anyone until he told me.  'Dr. Plagota said he had Hodgkins Lymphoma.  Cancer!  I had pushed to the back of my mind everything God had given me in way of warning to be prepared.  He held me in his arms and let me cry for a few minutes, then explained that this is the most treatable cancer and we had to be strong and put our faith in God.

Aug. 23:

I was glad I was working for Connie that day.  I was alone most of the day and I spent the day in fasting and prayer.  I recalled the two incidences which I feel were warnings from God to be prepared for an ordeal ahead.  I remembered how I felt when I read Psalm 144:4 in the hospital room that day and I vividly remembered the dream I had the night he came home from the hospital.

We were driving in our truck.  It seemed like a storm was coming, maybe a hurricane.  We were trying desperately to get to a safe place.  We stopped the truck and ran, holding hands.  Trying to help each other along.  It seemed a gulf of some kind was getting bigger and bigger and we had to cross it to safety.  When we got over, there was a man in charge and one more couple.  We didn't talk but we all knew this was the end for us.  A huge emptiness surrounded this area.  We sat on a big set of bleachers that were situated in a semi-circle.  Eternity had begun.  So strange.....  I don't believe in purgatory, yet this wasn't Heaven, nor was it hell.  The area was dimly lit.  Not really a horrible place but none of the splendors of heaven either.  Ross and the other couple were not really dead, they were sitting up but they didn't seem to be really alive either.  Sort of like zombies.  Their eyes were open but I could see no desire for life in them.  The man in charge took an interest in me.  He seemed to care that I was alive.  I remember he handed me a piece of paper and told me I was to go to this address to do a singing benefit.  The address was in Welch WV.  I was to go NOW, Don't look back.  Go now or it would be too late, I'd never make it out.

I wanted Ross to go with me.  When I realized that was impossible, I wanted desperately to get his approval.  He didn't say one word out loud, but our spirits seemed to be communicating.  I knew he wanted me to go.  I kissed him on his lips, there was no response.  That broke my heart.  I cried.  The next thing I remember is being on the steps of a huge brick building going quickly down the steps with the truck keys and the little slip of paper in my hands.  The sun felt warm on my skin.  I was happy, even praising the Lord for another chance to live.  I knew I had to go on without Ross but I knew I could make it.

Sept. 9:

A series of tests was set up by Dr. Schor.  I won't even attempt to name or describe all the things they are doing for him but I've made up my mind to go through this with him just as closely as the doctor will allow.  Many of the test will have to be done without me present but I will be in the nearest waiting room praying, reading the bible and meeting others going through the same things and writing down my feelings.  Who knows, maybe someday It will turn into a novel.

Sept. 19:

We've done so well these last few days.  We've comforted and re-assured our family and friends that everything is going to be fine.  We have to keep our faith up.  I've been to church every day for I don't know how long to practice my songs with the sound tracks.  I have to be ready when God starts opening doors for me.  That's going well but today...  That's another story.  Most probably the hardest day of my life.  Our appointment was for a final blood count before Chemotherapy and a talk with Dr. Schor about how extensive the cancer is.  We're so sure it's confined to the surgery area.  Maybe he won't even need Chemotherapy, maybe God has healed him and the doctors will be amazed and we can witness to them about a miracle working God.

The doctor comes into the examining room where we're waiting.....  "We've got a lot to talk about, listen very carefully to every thing I say, then if you have questions'.......  My heart sank.  There was something about his voice.  He was saying something about stage 4...  extensive....  six months minimum chemo....    That was what I was hearing but silently I was pleading, "God please!  don't let me cry right here, not now.  I have to be strong for Ross.  I can't break down, Please God!  Help me!  The long list of drugs he was writing prescriptions for, I kept thinking without these drugs he will die.  Where's the money coming from?  The tears came, I couldn't stop them.  I was so embarrassed.  God where are you?  You could hold back the Red Sea, why couldn't you hold back these tears, at least until I can get out of this building?

We decided to take the rest of the day for ourselves.  It was still early, only 10 am.  We drove to Beckley and had lunch.  Bought a sweat shirt for Ross at Value City.  He'd left home in a short sleeved shirt and no T shirt.  To match the circumstances, wouldn't you know it?  Turned cold and started to rain, 50 degrees and only yesterday it was in the 90's and we were using the AC in the truck.

Back home around 4:30, Ross took a nap while I went to the church to practice my songs and pray.  It was hard to sing through my tears but I did.  My prayers were agonizing.  I begged God not to take Ross from me.  Finally I had to pray for strength and wisdom, for renewed faith to be able to pray, "Thy will be done."  I've never felt so lost or alone.  I can't let Ross know how devastated I really feel.  I've got to stay strong for him.  He'll do fine as long as he  knows I'm okay.  If I break so will he.  I love him too much to let that happen.

Sept. 21:

Tonight at 9 pm. I ate some cake and ice cream then determined not to eat anything until our first Chemotherapy on Thursday Sept. 26th.  I have to fast and pray.  It's the only way I know to handle problems.  I'm praying that God will direct those chemicals to the diseased cells and not kill the good ones.  I'm praying for NO side effects.

Sept. 26:

So!  I'm 49 today.  I don't feel like I'm almost half a century.  Today has been good.  First we went to the newspaper office where they interviewed me for an article about me and my gospel tape.   I hope it turns out good! I did well on my fasting.  I'm surprised I didn't get hungry.  I was able to keep my mind stayed upon the Lord but now that the treatment has started I'm getting hungry.  Went to the hospital cafeteria and ate at 1pm.

The nurse starts to put the needle into the port-a-cath.  "I won't lie to you, this is going to hurt, really hurt"  I began to pray, "God, don't let it hurt.  Over and over again until she was saying "I'm sorry, but the rest will be easy the hardest part is over."  Ross smiled at her and said "Don't be sorry, it didn't hurt."  A big "Praise the Lord' from the both of us and the nurse.  We're so happy that almost everyone involved with us in this is Christians.  We are still praying for no side effects.

Sept.28:

Yesterday we realized there's been no side effects, and after those ten pills and the hospital treatments, Great!  We thought maybe we'd not use the compazine (pill for sick stomached) But no, we'd made a decision to follow every doctor's order that we could so today he feels good.  Maybe later he won't.  I talked him into lunch at Bonanza at Welch...   "eat good while you can,"  the nurse had said.  It was such a good day when we got back we stopped at the Light and Power Co.   Such a lift to talk to Wanda and Rita.  It felt like we'd been in church.

Now this morning Ross has gone to the Men's Prayer Breakfast.  We were told he shouldn't go to church for the next 6 months or anywhere in crowds where there might be flu germs.  His immune system will break down with all these medicines so after Sunday and possibly Wednesday he will probably stay home most of the time.

I plan to tell Patty today that I won't be back to work.  I hope she's understanding.  I dread it but she'll be nice.  We're trusting God to supply our need.  He has never let us down, he won't start now.

Latter the same day:

Wouldn't you know God would do something spectacular to give me assurance?  I was worried about loosing $40.00 a week from Patty and Ross comes home from the prayer breakfast with a  $100 bill.  From a friend.  Our friends are the best in the world.

Oct. 1:

(Tuesday)  Life is so good and so precious.  Sunday was one of the best "church days"  I've had in a long time.  Bro. Roger out did himself with that sermon on faith, taken from Heb. 11: 8-13.  Such an up lifting message.  He read Gal. 6:10 before taking up a special offering.  We knew it was for us.  Sis. Crockett had told us Wednesday when Sis. Evelyn gave out the notices in fact, she gave us $30. and said  "I don't see no sense in waiting."  So much for surprising us.  Anyway Gal. 6:10  "As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith."  Including Sis. Crockett's $30-.  There was $340.00 in that offering.  My, how God supplies our needs.  No one can tell me they can do just as well serving God at home.  Even if we didn't need help right now, I don't know what we'd do without our church family.  Their prayers give us strength and courage.

This morning my article was in the Bluefield paper.  I was thrilled.  Hope that's not vanity.  Soon as I saw it I bought an extra copy of the paper for Wanda.  What a friend and sister she's been, and Rita is quickly becoming just as special.  Her enthusiasm gives me such blessings.

Ross is doing so well.  No side effects as of now.  Wouldn't surprise me if he doesn't have any at all.

Oct. 2:

I woke up feeling so good this morning.  Remembering a dream I'd had.  Ordinarily it would of been a terrible night mare but for some strange reason it made me happy.  I dreamed I was approaching a flood risen river.  All rough and foamy.  Almost like an ocean except I could see the other side.  There was a bridge with a wire for a railing to hold onto and the bridge was boards just wide enough for one to walk on.  It must of been a swinging bridge.  Most of it was already slightly under water.  Some of it would be at least to my waist.  (normally I have a dreadful fear of water, I won't even put my face under the shower because it causes me to panic).  I had a bag of groceries in my arms.  I knew I had to cross that bridge.  I felt no fear.  I just took a moment to reason it out in my mind.  I said to myself very sternly , "I can cross that bridge if I hold to the railing and trust that the boards are under the water.  I can do it on faith. Now, do I have enough faith?  Yes I do, I'm going across."  I was about three quarters of the way across, water about to my knees.  I stopped a minute.  I'd have to shift my grocery bag to my left arm.  I'd be better able to hold on with my right hand.  It was time to plunge out into the deep water.  By now you couldn't see the boards underfoot at all.  I just had that wire to hold onto.  I had faith that the boards were there.

The next thing I remember, I was in a house on the other side.  Ross was there.  I was laughing and saying, "Don't you see what I had to come through to get here?  I'm all wet.  At least you could get me a towel."  We laughed together.  We felt such happiness and peace. (end of dream)

Before we get up, Ross always brings our coffee in to the bed and we read our bibles and pray before we start our day.  I told him about the dream and told him how good and happy I felt this morning.  I could hardly believe my eyes as we started reading.  Isaiah 43:  "When thou passeth thru the waters, I will be with thee.  And thru the rivers they shall not overflow thee.   When thou walkest thru the fire thou shall not be burned, neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.  For I am the Lord thy God, the Holy one of Israel, thy Saviour.   Fear not, for I am with thee, thus saitheth the Lord which maketh a way in the sea and a path in the mighty waters."   So often in my prayers, I thank God for the way he speaks to me through his precious word.  He truly spoke this morning and I've been praising him all day.  God is so good!

Oct. 3:

Well it's our second in hospital treatment.  Ross is doing great so far.  Again we got a great nurse.  A Christian.  It makes all the difference in the world being able to talk to the people here about the Lord.  The nurse today even ordered me a lunch so I could eat with Ross.  Several people this morning have commented on the newspaper article about me.  Already I've had an order for a tape by mail and an invitation to sing in a revival.  Well, I've prayed for open doors and God has answered so many prayers for us.  I see no reason why he wouldn't answer that one.

I read the bible aloud a lot while we're here in the hospital room.  Ross hears a lot of it but I notice that he sleeps while I'm reading so peacefully too at times.  The word of God has become so precious to us.  Even more than before and it's always been a very important part of our lives.  Life itself has become so very precious.  Every day is like a little miracle in the midst of a bunch of big miracles.

Same day:  1 pm.  

Our appointment with Dr. Schor was 9 am.  Blood count, fine.  In hospital by 10 am.  Now, after all the preparations, finally the Chemo drugs are being given.  "Please God, don't let there be any re-actions. This is a different kind than last week, let him do as well today as he did last week.  Cathy is a good nurse, as was Fay last week.  God bless them both and all the others that will work with us over the next 6 months."  Even as the drug is being given, he is sleeping like a baby.  Praise the Lord!

1:20 pm

The second Chemo drug is starting.  "God continue to bless as you so often do, what would we do without you , Lord?  God would you direct the flow of these chemicals?  Send them only to the diseased cells and cause them to leave the good ones alone.  Use these chemicals Lord to kill the cancer and not do anything else.  Thank you Lord for walking with us and causing this valley to seem like a mountain top."

1:35 pm

The third drug, the one that can cause bunches of allergies, "Lord bless again.  No re-actions please!"

1:40 pm

Thank you Lord.

Oct. 5:

It's gone well with Ross.  He has lost about 5 pounds and a lot of energy but otherwise we don't see any side effects!  Praise the Lord!

Bro. Raymond Hayes died, but I'm not sad.  He prayed to go home and now he's there.  I hope they have a gospel singing at his wake.  I know he would want that.

We took one of my tapes to Richlands radio station WGTH 105.5 FM  yesterday.  At 1:06 pm, for the first time ever, One of my songs was played on the radio.  We were driving home listening to the radio and suddenly it was playing "Where Have All the Weepers Gone."  I was so thrilled I could hardly contain myself.  Ross and I cried and together we praised the Lord over the loud volume of the radio.  As soon as we got to War we (naturally) stopped to tell Wanda and Rita.  Wanda did a little dance, Cute!  Oh how those two girls rejoice with us when things are good and how they pray when we're in need.  We are so blessed!  

There is a benefit sing, dinner and flea market in town today.  Someone needs a bone marrow transplant.  After all God's people have given to us we are going to contribute something.  "God bless him."

Written By Carrie Kinyon 1 - 20 - 2002