Coping With Chemo

My coping - Chapter 2

Oct. 8, 1991

A dream Ross had last night and related to me.....

It was a big high mountain with a roof over.  The roof was in need of repair.  My buddies, I believe one was Spencer Oxford, (Spencer is the pastor of a local church) had gotten to the top and was still in yelling distance of me, But I was about half way up with an old wheel and tire.  It had me down and I couldn't get up.  My buddies kept poking fun at me because I couldn't get out from under the tire.  It seemed like as they came back down the mountain they were within reaching distance but still wouldn't give me a hand.  They just kept poking fun.  Who ever owned this place had dogs and monkeys for pets.  I wasn't afraid of either but the monkeys were getting on my nerves with their hollering and monkey play.  At that point I heard mother coming out of the bath room thinking I was awake I yelled real loud  "Won't somebody help me?"

Ross thought he was actually awake and yelling and neither I or my mom would help him.  I believe God is telling Ross that he has to climb this mountain of cancer without help from his friends.

Oct. 13:

Let me see what's happened since I last wrote.  We were turned down for SSI.  I've heard that God is pleased when we trust in him for everything.  He must be happy now, our bills are growing by leaps and bounds and God  is our only source.  But then, he is the BEST source.  So we're not really worried.  He will supply our need.

We have tried to follow every instruction the doctors and nurses give us.  I'm so thankful that it is in our nature to be obedient.  A nurse told me it would be a good idea to keep a check on his temperature at least  3 times a day, so I've done that and if it's slightly high I take his temperature every half hour or 15 minutes depending on how high it is.  One night I stayed in the lounge chair most of the night and set my kitchen timer to wake me every hour to check him.  This is Sunday.  It must of been Thursday that he developed a sore throat and fever.  It wasn't until last night about 10 pm that his temperature reached 100.8 and Tylenol wouldn't bring it down.  That's the magic number.  Dr. Schor said that's the number to watch for and when I see it, call him immediately.  Well, by 10:20 pm we were on our way to the hospital.  It was rainy and foggy and cold.  A little like my mood.  I kept thinking, 'God I've prayed so much that you would direct those chemicals to only the diseased cells and here they've been killing the good ones too.  His blood count is low, infection has set in an I feel so helpless.  Besides that, I'm feeling guilty.  I waited so long and practiced so much to sing in Grundy today.  Now I don't feel I can go and I want to.  I can't bring myself to do anything that is fun when Ross is in the hospital.  Of course these are my secret feelings.  God please don't let me ever get resentful."

I love him so much and I want to be the one to do everything for him.  But when my body is so tired I have to rest, I feel guilty or if I do fun things I feel guilty.  I'm also lonely.  Very, very lonely.  I miss the closeness we've always shared.  I'm afraid to breath on him.  Afraid I'll make him sick.  It's a constant thing to keep myself "up". But my faith is in God and I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  There are always things, seemingly little things that lift me up along the way.  This morning on the drive over here   (to the hospital)  the mountains were so beautiful it just almost took my breath away.  I kept saying out loud  "Oh my God, How beautiful is your creation"  Every now and then I'd say  "There's another burning bush."  How I love these mountains.

It's strange the way things happen.  On my birthday, Sept 26th.  We were here all day for his first Chemotherapy treatment.  Last night, his birthday was the first emergency hospital visit since then.   I hate wearing this mask but it's for his protection so I must.  "God bless my husband.  Heal him, help us to except and endure what ever we must.  But at the same time, help us to have enough faith not to be surprised if you just go ahead and heal him."

Sunday night:

   It was such a church service tonight. Great!  I had wanted to go to Bro. Bandy's service on Stony Ridge but for some reason it wasn't meant to be.  I went to Newhall instead.  The minute I opened the door I felt the spirit of the Lord so strong.  The singing was so good, anointed I'm sure.  I testified of how good I felt in the Lord.  Then I felt so strongly that I needed to get prayed for.  I kept thinking 'why would I need prayer, I feel so good.'  Wanting to be obedient I went forward.  The Holy Ghost was so real to me.  I shouted and praise the Lord.  Such a blessing.  then I started laughing in the spirit.  Sister Mary prophesied that God had sent a spirit of intercession on me.  I cried so hard, as if my heart was broken.  Then again the Holy Ghost was shouting me.  Then it hit me again like it's done so many times before.  Such awful pain in my head.  For a few minutes it was almost unbearable.  They laid hands on me and prayed.  Nothing seemed to help until I remembered the only way I know of to make Satan flee is to resist him, so I stood up again and said "the devil may as well take this head ache right back to hell because I'm going to praise the Lord regardless.  I resisted him, he had no choice but to flee.

Oct. 14:

It was so hard for me to leave Ross tonight.  I cried just a little.  He held me in his arms for a minute.  We don't hold hands or hug any more.  I'm so afraid of giving him germs.  I miss touching him.  I left the hospital in time to go to church at Hartwell Church of God.  Bro. Bandy was preaching.  How I love to hear him preach.  I sang 2 songs.  Everyone said they loved my songs but no one bought a tape.  I've got to stop thinking about selling tapes, it's too disappointing when no one buys one.  Anyway our financial need is in God's hands.

Bill East died in his sleep last night or this morning.  Nannie is so upset.  Like Ross and me they were so close.  She just can't picture life without him.  Maybe that's the reason I hated to leave Ross today.  I remind myself daily that the joy of the Lord is my strength.  I do have joy in  the Lord and it will continue to give me strength.  Oh! but I miss Ross so much.  I wish he was home.

Oct. 17:

Ross came home yesterday.  It's sure good to have him home.  I stopped at the Electric Co. so he could say hi to Wanda and Rita.  Such friends!  We got cards from them yesterday.  Rita's had a $10. check in a beautiful card with an eagle on it to both of us.  She had written a real sweet note and the scripture Isa. 40:31...   possibly my very favorite verse in the whole bible.  There was also a check for $100. from the church.  So many people have given us money.  How we praise God for friends, really true friends.

Today is Bill East funeral.  Such a shock but Bill has gone to be with the Lord.  The choir will sing.  The first funeral we have sung for since we've been a choir.  My first as  Choir director.  "God anoint us, and Bro. Roger too as he preaches.  It won't be easy for him but 'we' can do all things through Christ who strengthens us."

Oct. 20:

Today is Sunday.  I stayed home with Ross.  He isn't sick but our church is fellowshipping with Sis. Nora's church for their homecoming and I didn't want to be gone all day.  You never know when his temperature will go up.  I was sitting here in my lazy boy chair about half asleep when Ross says "come here"  I looked up and he was looking at the TV remote as if something was on it.  Again he said, "come here".  I got up and went to see.  We'd thought that since it had been 3 weeks since his first treatment that he wasn't going to loose his hair.  He was looking at bunches of little short white hairs, checking elsewhere, it was over the back of his chair.  We could almost pinpoint the hour it started.

Oct. 24:

This is our 3rd. in hospital treatment.  I promised myself that I'd go the distance with Ross.  We'd go through this together but here I am, waiting in the car while he waits in the hospital for his blood count.  He has to have that before we go to the doctor's office then back here for treatment.  I couldn't sit there.  I really hate for people to see me cry.  Oh! why am I so timid?  Every one sees me as such a strong person.  they don't see the part of me that feels like a little, frightened child.  They don't understand how badly it hurts when Ross fusses at me for little unimportant things.  Seems like I can't please him any more.  One minute I'm the best driver on the road and the next, he's fussing because I'm a bit crooked in a parking space, and in front of people too.  Even when he's right, I did park badly this morning and I feel embarrassed enough without him making a big deal in front of people.

The other day I had to remind him that I'm not running a hospital kitchen.  He used to always compliment my cooking but lately he just seems to compare it to what they feed him in the hospital.  Sometimes I think he'd rather be there than at home.

Well, a couple of hours have passed and Ross is settled in the hospital bed, his treatment underway.  We have four hours now before it's done.  Things are good again.  I have  to keep telling myself that his attitude will change back to his own when all this is over.  I try not to let it bother me.  I still haven't master that as of yet.  I'm sure he doesn't even realize to what extent he has changed.

It's now 11:30 am.  We left home at 5:30, had breakfast at Hardys, blood work here at the hospital at 8:00. Dr. Schor's office at 9:00, back here before 10:00.  It took one and a half hours to prepare for the actual chemo drugs to begin, a 15 minute process.  The nurse is doing that now.  They call it a slow push.  Something about the chemicals being so strong they can't put it in your veins all at once.  I always feel a little strange at the time those strong chemicals are going into his system.  It's amazing how all this works.  I'm getting an education I won't quickly forget.

Cathy is a nice nurse.  She's young, probably in her 20's, long blond hair, slim, a sunny smile and so very thoughtful.  Everyone here has been nice but she show's thoughtfulness to me more than most.  I realize their first concern has to be Ross and that of course  is fine with me but it is nice when someone shows a little extra concern for me.

I sit here thinking.  'I thought a couple months ago that I'd have a close friend to share my feeling with.'  Carolyn, a lady I met at our jail ministry.  I really thought we hit it off well.  She seems to have lost interest.  It would of  been nice but I've never really had that kind of friend, at least not since school day, grade school days and my one friend that died.  So maybe I won't miss it too much.  Still, it's a little sad, every one should have at least one special friend they can share their feelings with.  Come to think of it I do, His name is Jesus.  I couldn't make it without him.  He's always with me.  No matter how high the mountain or how low the valley he is right there by my side.  I love him so much!

Oct. 31:

Our 4th. treatment.  Ross is still doing so well.  The doctor goes on and on about how pleased he is with the progress and how happy he is with the way Ross is responding.  It's Halloween today.  I could hardly believe my eyes.  Both at the doctor's office and here at the hospital the nurses are all dressed up as pumpkins, witches and the all time favorite, Bunny rabbits.   Oh,  and one bag lady.  I have a little problem with that but every one doesn't feel the way I do so I'm not being judgmental.  It would be nice to have a day when adults can act like kids  and get by with it all in good clean fun but just not on Satan's Day.

Tue. we had church at our house.  Sis. Wanda Woody did the speaking.  she delivered a wonderful sermon.  We all were very blessed by it.  It was so good  to see how Ross was being blessed.  It seems so long since he was able to attend church.  Not because he isn't actually  "sick" sick.  But because of his immune system being so weak.  He can't be in crowds where he might catch cold or flu.  But anyway, it turned out so good I'm planning a service every Tue. night.  I have several preachers in mind.  Now all I have to do is to confirm the dates for each one.

This is so strange, Cathy is such a sweet girl and a really good nurse but she's dressed like a rabbit, administering Chemotherapy....  Strange!

Rex ( a cousin ) called me yesterday.  He has finally listened to  my tape.  I gave it to him the day of Thelma's funeral.  He said he was afraid my voice would sound like hers and he wouldn't be able to stand it.  He ask me to put 2 of my best songs on a tape and send it to him along with a good picture.  He knows someone in Nashville and wants to send it for me.  Now I'm not getting too excited about it but I think I'll do it.  who knows?  It might be an open door that I've been praying for.  God does work in mysterious ways.  He could use Rex, one who doesn't even believe in God to bring about his will for my life and my songs.

Nov. 4:

Seems like I never rest.  I thought when I quit work I'd have so much time n my hands that I'd be bored.  Not so!   I'm used to working on a schedule, basically I'm an organized person.  If I could set myself a schedule I think I'd do much better.

Tomorrow night church is at our house again.  We're really looking forward to having the Bandy's here.  They are very special people to us.  Brother Bandy is just one of the best preachers we've ever heard.

I got some Christmas gifts wrapped tonight, between wash loads.  Mark, Janet and Cortney (my step son and his family) are planning on coming home for Thanksgiving.  If everything is ready by then it will save us a lot in postage.  It'll be nice, having them here for Thanksgiving.

Nov. 9:

This is not the best day of my life.  It started out badly when mom got sarcastic with me.  I spent 5 hours in the doctor's office with her yesterday.  The eye doctor.  She's complained for months about her eye doctor so I finally got her an appointment with a new doctor.  He seems good.  He gave me strict orders about her eye drops.  I asked her a simple question, "Which one did you use first?"  Her answer,  "The right one!" She's the first to admit that she's absent minded and forgetful yet when I try to help keep tabs on her medication she gets sarcastic with me.  With everything else I'm coping with right now, I can't take it.  At least my bed room got a good cleaning.  When I'm upset I work it off to keep from saying anything.

I'm disappointed in Ross too.  I try so hard to make things nice for him.  These church services are not really easy to plan.  Sometimes I spend hours on the phone before I can get a schedule worked out.  I plan all the music, I plan and prepare refreshments for after each service and I clean house for it.  He sits in his chair all day in front of the TV.  We are forever telling people how well he is doing, how he doesn't feel sick.  But I don't get any help unless I start crying.  I couldn't believe my ears a few minutes ago.  Rather than say he'd help me he said maybe you'd better not plan any more services.  He'd go through 4 more months of not being in a church service rather than help me a little.  I'm only one person but I feel like I'm many.  A nurse, wife, daughter, taxi driver, cook, housekeeper..........  The things I love to do, I don't have time for.  I feel like I'm being pulled in a dozen different directions.  God help me pull myself together so I can finish cleaning house and get the laundry finish and dinner cooked.  My hair needs to be washed, no time for that.

Nov. 21:

After reading the last writing I had to smile.  Things must of  been bad.  It's hard to even remember feeling that low.  In general, things are so good.  Ross is now situated on the hospital bed with the beginning of another Chemo treatment.  Fay is our nurse today.  She's a really nice lady.  short red hair, older than Cathy and not quite  as friendly but more of a professional air about her.  She's a very dedicated Christian.  I like that.  Our home church services have been so good.  We only had to cancel one for his fever being up a little.  It's really the high light of our week.  We love the fellowship and it feels like being in the "House of the Lord."  Such a good spirit.

Sonny and Cookie (His sister and her husband) visited us on Sat. They left Sun. after dinner.  It was a great visit.  I'm so glad we're all friends.  When they had problems accepting me I was heart broken.  I missed them and was afraid it would leave a lasting bitterness between us.  Now it's as if it never happened.  There's a lot of love between the four of us.  I sure hope they feel the same way.  There's no indication of it being any other way.

Nov. 27:

This is the end of the 3rd. cycle of treatments.  The half way mark.  Dr. Schor said again this morning that Ross is doing "superb".  Everyone is amazed at his having no side effects.  We have a different nurse this morning.  We always hope for Cathy.  When we get Fay that's okay, she's nice.  This one seems to be a talker, very friendly.  We haven't had any bad experiences yet.  I keep telling every one how blessed we are when they call us lucky.  I believe today will be a short day.  I hope so.  I brought my camera today.  I've been forgetting it and wouldn't you know, Cathy's not here.  I'll just try again next month.  This nurse's name is Trina.

Dec. 19:

I can't believe I haven't written since our last treatment and here we are again, beginning the 4th. cycle.  We have Cathy today.  She's no longer a blond.  Suddenly she's  a brunette.  I brought gifts today to both doctors.  Dr. Schor opened his before he came into the examining room.  He couldn't thank me enough.  He is such a nice young man.  I didn't see Dr. Kistner but left hers at the office.  I gave gifts to Cathy, and Evette, nurses on the night shift that took care of Ross while he was in the hospital a week or so ago.  They were very nice, especially Evette.  Then the 3 Chemo nurses, Cathy, Faye, and Trina.  Those 3 had them open as fast as I handed them over.  Of course all the gifts were my tape, "Carrie Sings For Jesus"  I hope it will somehow be a good witness.  My prayer is that God will anoint the tapes and the listeners to bring about blessings.

It's really been a hard month so far.  There were times I felt as if I'd never feel rested again.  The very day we got our tree set up and all the decorations out in the middle of the living room floor, Ross just got the lights on the tree and his temperature went up and I had to rush him to the hospital.  For 4 days I drove to Bluefield (50 miles) every day and tried to clear things up at home in the evenings.  I finally finished the decorating and got all the boxes put away the day after I brought him home.  I've neglected the choir so much.  We haven't even practiced any Christmas music and Sun is the Sunday before Christmas.  Now on top of every thing else I'm coming down with something.  I keep praying that it's allergies or Sinus but I can't be sure.  I've moved to the other bed room and Doctor Schor told us to both wash our hands a lot.  There's not much else we can do, just to pray and after all, that's what's gotten us through so well all this time.  We decided to not have any more church services at our house for a while.  There is such an epidemic of flu.  Trying to protect Ross and now I have to get something!

I guess that pretty well catches up on what's been happening except for the Christmas Spirit we're beginning to feel.  Tonight is the WM's (women's missions) Dinner and the Little - Big - Sisters with gift exchange.  The ladies sent me word not to cook they know how busy I've been.  The church Christmas dinner is Sat. and I promised to deliver six food share baskets Friday.  I have an appointment for a perm Sat. at 1 pm.  Looks like the whole month will be hectic.  Maybe I can rest in Jan.  I've also been working for Connie a few times this month.  I promised her 2 days a month beginning Jan.  I need that time for myself and to feel I'm earning a little money.

Dec. 26:

Well, here we are again.  This is the last of our 4th. cycle of treatment.  Another new nurse.  This one is Jane, nearly 200 pounds.  A bit of an attitude problem.  She's nice enough to us and she knows her stuff and that's what counts.  It's bee a wonderful Christmas season.  People have been so kind to us.  We've received lots of gifts of money which we needed and appreciated.  We've decided that next year if Jesus tarries that long we'll take the money we would of spent on ourselves and give someone else a Christmas.  Maybe we'll adopt a child for the Holidays from an orphanage.  I know we could never repay all the kindness shown to us but we just want to do something.  The bible says "Whatsoever ye do unto the least of these my brethren, ye do unto me."

Doctor Schor told us this morning that more treatments will be needed than he originally thought.  We have to wait 6 months though, then 2 more.  We're not discouraged, just a little disappointed, we had hoped to go to Fla. in April but we'll have to post pone it for now.  Ross is more important than any trip and his health comes first.

The truck started missing something awful this morning on the way over here (to the hospital) Ross procrastinates too much, should of had a tune up long ago, now we have to and soon.  I don't like driving when that happens.  God really looks ahead when he is supplying our needs.  Some of extra money has come our way in the last few days just in time to get the truck worked on.  we're still praying for that large amount of cash to pay the hospital bills.  I know he will work it out.  He's never let us down and he won't start now.

The kids in our church did the best Christmas play they've ever done.  Well, since I've been going there anyway.  I hope we can get a video so Ross can see it.  I sang "From the Manger to the Cross."  I think it turned out well but watching the tape will tell for sure.  With Ross in the hospital this month and me being sick, I missed a lot of the church activities.  I did get to the ladies dinner and the church dinner. It was real nice.  Ammie Woody had my name for secret pal.  I was well pleased with her.  I was her first secret pal.  I hope I get Wanda's name this year.  She's my best friend and she brags that no body can fool her.  I'd sure like to try.

That Rita gave us money again.  She's such a good friend.  She inspires us so.  With her enthusiasm about the Lord.  She's a real blessing to us.

Dec. 6, 1993:

My last writing was almost a year ago.   So much happened.  I could never get it all written down.  Ross had 7 treatments when his body rebelled.  Blood counts always low, had to stop treatments.  Was clean for about 9 months.

Reoccurred, small tumor inside thigh, removed.  3 chemo treatments and couldn't take any more, had some radiation.  Clean again for probably 10 months.

Reoccurred, in his neck this time.  Scans showed enlarged nodes under both arms, both sides of neck, chest and tummy.  Platelet's too low for treatments.  After a few low dose radiation treatments, had to stop.  Only time will build up those platelet's.  How much time do we have?  I don't know.

I remember so many hours of sitting in his hospital room with a mask and rubber gloves on, every single month while he was on Chemo.  I know his body won't take this again.  Our only hope is a miracle from God.  As Cancer eats away at my husband and squeezes the life out of my mother, I sit by, helpless and alone, "God! I don't want to be left alone again.  I know you've warned me in dreams, you've spoken to me through your word and by prophesy so I know I can make it.  But how I want to have my husband with me forever.  Help me Lord to stay close to you.  I can't make it otherwise.  I have this sinking feeling, I don't know how long it will be, but  I'm so afraid I'm going to end up alone again.  I'm so afraid of that."

  Written By Carrie Kinyon