Coping With Chemo

My Journal - Chapter 3

Jan. 26, 1995:

Once again I feel as if a ton of bricks has fallen on me.  Ross has been sick since before Christmas.  We thought it was a stomach virus.  It just kept getting worse.  Twice now I've called for an appointment with Dr. Schor before his regular appointment came up.  Two weeks ago I took him in for a check up and the doctor said he needed to get x-rays and test on stool samples.  Still it just showed a virus.  

Today, two weeks later, the examination shows his spleen is enlarged.  Indicating enlarged lymph nodes.  Also the doctor said the obstruction in his bowels could be a tumor...... Is  The Hodgkins  back?  We knew this could happen and for several weeks I thought that it probably was back, I just didn't dare say it out loud.  I've made so many phone calls this evening and repeated this story.   I've cried a lot.  I've tried to imagine life without Ross...  I can't.  I want to believe that God will heal him and things will be good again.  I've prayed so hard that we could be able to walk together again, go to the mall...  the little things that have been so precious to us.  Most of all, going to church together.  I'm so glad we had the church come here last night for prayer meeting.  There were 21 people here and it was a really good service.

Ross only weighs 124 pounds.  I called him a few minutes ago and he sounded so pathetic.  That old tube is still down his nose into his stomach.  I prayed for him on the phone.  I have to believe he'll rest tonight.  This house seems so big and empty with just me here.

Jan. 29:  

I got back to the hospital Friday about 11 am and have been here ever since then.  I plan to be here until he gets released.  The doctors are pleased with his progress.  He looks better than he has in several weeks.  The first day and night here he was miserable.  He had that tube in his nose down to his stomach.  We really prayed that he could do without that.  They took it out at noon yesterday and so far he's okay without it.

He was in MRI from 11 am today until 2pm.  They gave him a break to rest and have lunch but he had to go back for another hour.  These pictures will tell the tale.  Our faith is up right now.  We're hoping this is not cancer.

The Boys were all here yesterday.  Having his boys here was better than medicine for him.  Ed gave us a copy of a book about curing cancer with Linseed oil and cottage cheese.  I'm excited about trying it.  It did make sense when I read the book.  When we get home if it isn't too expensive I want us both to start the program.

I was blessed with the privilege of praying with Stella up in 414 today.  She's so pitiful.  They say she may live another 30 days.

Jim Nichols was here Friday afternoon.  What a blessing!  Hubert Brewster visited, also Bro. Roger and Mike Holland were here and Jason Woody.  Calls from so many people.  The church gave us $100. again and Mike is taking care of the furnace.  The kids gave us some money too.  God is so good. He always supplies our needs.

Feb.2  Thursday 9pm.

I went home yesterday for several hours.  Got some laundry done, cleaned out the refrigerator, took out the garbage, watered the plants.  Even did Patty's wash and ironing, that's a little extra much needed money.  Kept busy all day and got back here just about dark.  I was so tired.   I did a lot of crying and praying through the day while I as away from Ross.

With all the test results in, our greatest fear has become reality.  He is in 4th. stage cancer again. This time it's in his liver and small intestines and only God knows where else.  We once again prayed together and gave it to God.  As we did 4 years ago.  If I let go of God for even a minute I'd be so devastated.  I'm trying so hard to be strong for Ross.  As long as I'm okay, he's okay.  But if I fall apart he will too.  I also feel I have to be strong for his kids.

Dr. Schor did decide to give him some mild Chemo.  I think he probably doesn't have much hope that it will work.  But we asked God to bless it and cause it, no matter how little the amount to do the work, to kill the cancer cells and leave the good ones alone.  God is still a miracle working God so I'm not giving up yet.  My worst times are when people offer me pity.  It makes me cry and I'm trying so hard not to cry.

There's been so many people visiting today, lots of preachers and his men friends from the prayer breakfast he used to go to regularly.  He's sleeping so well now, I sure hope he has a good night.  Dr. Schor says if he does we can probably go home this week end.

"My Father in Heaven, Please have mercy.  I don't want to lose him.  He's so much a part of me.  Please!"

Mary Jo (his sister) told us that Ruth's (another sister) doctor says she could die at any time now.  They've done all that they can do.  How hard this must be on his sisters, to have both Ruth and Ross dying with cancer at the same time.

Feb. 13:  Monday.

Let's see if I can recall the happenings since I last wrote.  Ross's blood count had built enough that Dr. Schor decided to give him some mild chemo, after one week his lab work showed pretty good counts.  If they continue,  he'll be getting another treatment.  I bought the Linseed oil and Ross and I both have been using it.  He feels good even went to Sunday School yesterday and to town today.

While in the hospital, he was there 11 days and nights.  I stayed with him 10 of those.  Stella died, I think the day after we came home.  We had the opportunity to pray with her a few times. The last day just before we were discharged, she was very alert and talked to us.  Her daughter Lynn felt good about her.

A woman I prayed with and felt a closeness to was Mrs. French in 302.  I loaned her husband a scraper and brush to clean off his car and then helped him.  I found out they were Christians.  Today I mailed her a tape of songs about healing,  and a copy of the book about the Linseed oil she had asked for.  I hope it will help her.

Rita came to visit Fri. after work, gave us $50. We got another $100. from his sister Jane and the church bought us 3 tons of coal.  So, God is meeting all our needs while I'm not working.  I am going to stay close to Ross an make sure he gets some nourishing food, even if I do have to put it all in a food processor and make it all creamy.  I'm making sure he gets lots of calories.  He still weighs about 116 pounds.

I've been reading Benny Hinn's books and trying to begin to have fellowship and friendship with the Holy Spirit.  He is becoming so real to me, to Ross too.  I know he can speak to the blood and marrow and just tell them to be normal and healthy.  We are believing that it is happening.

March 2:

Treatment number 2 was today.  We're still believing God for healing.  Tim Boyd (a local pastor and friend) came by this evening.  We had a powerful season of prayer.  He brought us 12 cans of insure.  Rick Dunford and David Dash came by soon after  and we had more prayer.  The church sent us 3 cases of ensure.  We see God working every where we turn, meeting our needs.

My brother James recently received news of having cancer with the possibility of only 3 months to live, he isn't even 50 years old yet.  I think most of the family is showing him a lot of concern.  All I can do is call and write a letter.  There is no way I can leave Ross right now and go to PA.  I sure hope his wife will understand.  My niece Sheila called me.  She was so upset.  My sister Mary also was found to have cancer in the roof of her mouth.  I feel bad but letters and phone calls are all I can do right now.  My first concern is my husband. (my brother died after just a few months, my sister Mary recovered).

May 13:

So much happens between writings.  His sister Ruth died.  How sad, Ross seemed to get through it okay.  We went to the funeral in Clarksburg, then we drove over to Charlestown to visit with my brother and sister-in-law, Pete and Shirley. I  wanted to see James, who lived near by and I took a video of our mom, singing at a gospel sing for him.  That didn't work out too well, he had an appointment for radiation and of course we couldn't stay very long.

Then Ross was in the hospital again, his white count was low and his temperature got very high.  104 degrees.  For most of the evening and night he was pretty much out of it.  He doesn't remember that night at all.  But I do.  I had a mask on for hours and stood by his bed all night, putting wet wash clothes on his head and praying for God to spare his life again.

I can see him getting weaker all the time.  I'm so afraid.  At any doctor's appointment we could be told that he can't tolerate any more treatments.  Living under this threat, has really taken a toll on me.  I try very hard to hide it from Ross.  He goes to pieces when he realizes that I'm not coping well.  He's so fragile.

I've been feeling a lot of bitterness and hate.  I find myself being judgmental and pessimistic.  I've missed so much church that I'm growing cold on the Lord and I struggle so hard to try and find my way back to where I need to be with God.  It seems I've lost a lot of the joy I had.  Oh, I've not back slidden but I'm not where I should be either.  I think that's the hardest part of all this.  Right when I need the Lord so much, He seems so far away.  I don't even get joy from singing any more.  My whole life is loving and taking care of Ross but I'd do it forever if God would let him stay with me forever.  I just can't imagine life without him.

We went to the cemetery today.  Cleaned up around Mom and daddy's graves and put fresh flowers on the graves.  It was hard.  We both cried.  We miss mom so much and today I guess for the first time, I cried for daddy too.

May 19:

I'm so afraid.  I see signs in Ross that I don't like.  He's beginning to feel full after just a couple bites and he's feeling that sick stomach that he felt back in Dec.  When the cancer got active again.  Some dizziness today and he's discouraged a little.  I wonder what he's thinking.  What does a person think when every thing points to the fact that their time may be winding down?  Will he share those thoughts with me?  If he does, will I be able to hold myself together and be strong for him?  I hope I'm imagining things but I'm  so afraid that very soon Dr. Schor will tell us he's done all that he can do.  Will that be the time that God will take over an do a real miracle?  Or maybe the time appointed to my beloved Ross is almost up.  I can't imagine life without my Ross.  He's last treatment was Tue. the 16th.  3 days ago.

June 8:

Since my last writing Ross spent a week in the hospital.  It seems the chemicals are taking a toll on his body again.  They can bring about the same symptoms that the cancer does and so the doctor is not 100% sure of what's happening.  He really thinks the chemo is working, but to make sure he ordered some x-rays and scans.  Our next visit, next Tuesday we should know something.  I've had a hard time keeping my faith up and the last couple days I've opened my eyes.  it seems that I was praying for God to heal my husband but not really believing he would.  When I realized that, I felt so ashamed I repented to God for that sin.  While we were reading the bible together a couple days ago I read this,  "I shall not die but live and declare the works of the Lord.  The Lord has chastened me sore but he has not given me over unto death. Psalm 118:17-18

It was as if that portion of scripture just leaped off the page at me.  My joy returned.  I felt lighter and my faith begin to soar again.  I'm believing with Ross for his healing no matter how many people think he is dying.  I've heard so many negative things from so many people my faith had wavered but it did not die.  I think I'll go to church tonight.

June 9:  Thursday

I was going to work at Patty's today but Ross is so weak and his hemorrhoids were bleeding and I didn't think he should climb those stairs and I didn't want to leave him home.  I hate to think this and I do not believe my faith is failing again, but I can see the symptoms of cancer so evident in Ross, even though Dr. Schor believes the chemo is working, I believe the results of those last tests will show that it isn't working.  I hope with all my heart that I can come back from the next appointment and write how wrong I was.  

He had fevers the last week, sweats last night, he is losing weight pretty fast and can't eat.  He has been losing control more and more of his bowel movements.  I have to go and buy him more underwear today, I've had to trash so many of them because I couldn't get the stains out.  I try very hard to allow him to keep his dignity.  All this is bringing back so many painful memories of mom.  It's almost like I'm re-living her last couple of months. Through it all I am believing God will work it out for us.  I just pray for strength while he's working it out.  I did go to church last night.  What an uplifting!  Bro. Hickson can sure deliver a sermon

I have prayed "Thy will be done".   So my prayers aren't desperate, begging prayers any more.  I have more peace of mind now but it will always hurt me to see Ross like this.  I still pray and believe for his healing. 

June 26:

An old friend of his came to visit from Chicago today,  David Zigmont.  Seems Ross had given him his first job as a teenager.  We all 3 went to church at Canebrake. Ross did well.  Then his son Curt and the kids came from Mon. evening through Thursday morning.  Again Ross did well.  But he's paying now.  During that time, he had some rough tests, about 7 hours at the hospital.  It's Sunday now and he's not bouncing back.  He has an almost constant fever and night sweats so bad he has to change his pajamas.  Less bowel movements and tremendous gas pain.  His food intake is about what a bird would eat.  He tries really hard to eat and drink and believes he is.  But I know better.  He had gained a little weight but has lost it again.  Dr. Schor kept telling us that the chemo was causing the symptoms, now he says the fevers are probably from the disease.  Tomorrow he's got an appointment for chemo.

Ross is a wonderful patient with the doctors and nurses and even with me until he has pain.  I'm so thankful he's not been in much pain throughout the last 4 years.  But this gas pain is hard and everything I try to do to help he accuses me of putting him down and that of course keeps me crying.  With a love like we've always shared, even to think I'd do that is like a knife in my heart.

I washed my face and anointed myself with oil this morning.  Staying with the bible's principles of fasting.  It's very hared to keep that happy face when your insides are feeling like they are ripped apart.  But God said he would never leave us or forsake us and I believe him.  He will see us through this hard time as he has so many others.  

Ross will be healthy again!  I can't remember if I wrote about this so I will now to be sure.  At the hospital last time Ross was there.  I went to the car to get a break from the masks  I always have to wear when he is in protective care, and also I needed privacy to pray and cry.  I was so discouraged, I just cried out to God.  "I'm so alone!  I just can't stand this any more, Please help me!"  I pushed in a tape and these words came out.  "A voice came down like thunder and a light all around me shone.  He said child get up! Take hold of my hand,  you don't have to stand alone." It made me feel so much better that I just started up the car, drove to the mall and bought that sound track.  I sing it in every church I go to and testify of how it blessed me that day.

June 27:

Well, once again we went for a treatment and and didn't get it.  This time the blood counts were very good but because of reoccurring problems with getting food to pass through the intestines, Dr. wants to do surgery, while the counts are good.  To cut out the bad spot.  Whether it's the disease or scar tissue, it has to go.  Ross can't stay the way he is.  The gas pains are absolutely terrible.  Maybe stress from that, (I'm not sure) has started his shoulder to hurting again.  Where he had shingles,  that's bad too.  No body could ever believe the way he hurts me when he's hurting. It's almost as though he expects me to kiss away the hurt and when I do everything I can think of and even anoint him and pray and it still hurts, he somehow blames me.  He always says he's sorry latter and I always say "no harm done, it's okay"  I wonder if I'm as alone as I feel I am, in how I feel.  Does that make sense?  Probably not.   Sometimes I feel so guilty about the way I feel that I just never say it out loud.  Sometimes I feel like my life isn't important, my dreams and needs, nothing about me, even the physical pain that I feel could ever mean anything to anyone when Ross is so sick.  He even said to me a couple of times when I complained with my body being so tired I ached all over...  "If you had to go through what I've been through."  Doesn't any one know that I go through every thing he does with him, mentally?  Plus my own problems that never counts.  I sit in this house day after day with the TV so low I don't hear it, the curtains all closed to keep the house quiet and dark so he can sleep and I don't dare sing any more, it might wake him.  Now, I don't mind sacrificing for him, there's nothing I wouldn't do for Ross, I love him more than life.  Maybe that's why I feel such guilt when I want to open up the house and sing or laugh.  I'm alive and no body seems to care.

July 1:

By now Ross has been back in the hospital for surgery to remove scar tissue from the intestines.  Not so!  When they cut into him they found a big tumor.  Doctor Barker cupped both hands and said about this big.  Every one is amazed at it not showing up on the scans.  Anyway, the surgery was Thursday morning and Friday morning Dr. Barker said he could come home.  Every one pretty well knows that they've sent him home to die.  I tried to tell them weeks ago that there was still a lot of cancer and they didn't' believe me.  How I wish I'd been wrong.  We expect at our next appointment Dr. Schor will tell us there's nothing more he can do.  In reality that's probably what will happen but if anyone ever had more faith than Ross, I've never met them.  We  know that God is still in control and he can and will do what ever he chooses to do.

Cookie, Mary Jo and Bertha (his sisters)  came down on Thursday, I expect now a lot of people will visit......  I was interrupted for an hour or so,  I'm very thankful that his bowels finally worked, what a mess...   My head hurts and I'm sick to my stomach only for Ross or mom could I ever be a nurse.  He's all cleaned up now and comfortable.  Our living room looks like a hospital room.  It's better than sticking him in the back of the house.  Mom wanted to hide away but I don't think Ross does.  There's so many people that love him.  I've got to finish Patty's laundry.  I know I can't go to work but I can do that in between taking care of my darling Ross.  Maybe I've sounded hard or cold and just wrote about the hard work, but I'd do it a thousand times over for him or for mom.  If I could just keep them with me.  I know mom is in heaven but I miss her so much.  Seems like even more since Ross got sicker.  But I know that as long as there is breath in his body, he will believe God will heal him so who am I not to believe too.

July 3:

The incision began to swell.  I took him to the emergency room.  What a bad time for him.  Five hours before they finally got him in a room at mid night.  His incision was okay but they found that his potassium was very low so they kept him until today.  He asked for a private room so I could stay with him and they gave us a hard time, saying there was none.  He told them to take out the IV so I could take him home and suddenly they had a private room.  Just before we left the hospital today Ross said something that just about made me break down.  But I was able to hang on and not cry in front of him.  He said, "Carrie, you promise me something"  and I said :sure honey, what is it?"  He said, "If I die before you, I want you to act the way I would act if you died first."  I said, "Just how would you act?"  He said "I'd rejoice because you'd gone to be with Jesus and I want you to rejoice.  Don't be mournful and sad but rejoice in the Lord." I assured him that I would rejoice that he had finally achieved what he's been working toward all these years.  I'd rejoice that he was in the presence of the Lord, but I said, "don't ask me not to cry if I lose you but I promise you my tears will be for me and not for you."  I'm glad we can talk about this.  If we couldn't I'd probably explode.

I bought him a cap today with his name on it, you would of thought I'd spent $100. on a gift.  The other day I bought him the kind of razor he's wanted for a long time.  It cost $50. and I know we're depending on love gifts right now but I don't care.  How much more will I be able to do for him?  I have to push so much living into what may turn out to be a short time, every moment counts.  A heart full of love has to be shown to him now, in the time we have left together.

  Written By Carrie Kinyon